Cohabitation – The New Marriage?

By Michelle Bong

Boy meets girl. Boy and girl fall in love. Girl moves in with boy. They live happily as is. The end. Sounds familiar? You bet. From Sembawang to Simei, this scenario is not uncommon. While there are no official statistics to indicate just how many of such couples exist in Singapore, just ask around the next time you’re out for drinks with friends or colleagues, and I dare say you’ll amass more names than you thought you would.

Take for instance, public relations consultant Lydia Ng, 33, who lives with her 35-year old British partner, a banker who’s been based in Singapore for the past eight years. Their five-year relationship shows no signs of heading for the chapel, but she is unfazed. “I am not your typical woman who sees the next phase of my life as being a wife and mother,” she asserts. “Richard and I do not intend to have children, we just want to enjoy a meaningful relationship – one that does not come with a legal document that says in the eyes of the law, we’re man and wife.”

Likewise, Janelle Wee and her 38-year old Australian beau, who have just moved in together, choose to be vague when questioned by their friends and family about what lies ahead. Says 30-year old Wee: “Frankly, I don’t know the answer to that question, nor am I in a hurry to find out the answer. Whatever happens happens. For now, we’re happy and that’s all that matters.”An informal poll among three other cohabiting couples leads to the following conclusion: For these individuals, moving in together may be the last level of a relationship either is prepared to move up to. Rather than walk down the aisle and become a social statistic should it all not work out, they prefer to profess a commitment by going home to each other every night, instead of a Tiffany & Co ring and a 50-table wedding at the Ritz-Carlton Milennia.

HOW NOW?

Compounding this trend are sky-rocketing divorce rates and falling birth rates. According to a Channel News Asia report dated November 2006, one in 10 Singapore marriages break up within 10 years, and more couples with grown-up children are also calling it quits. Last year, there were close to 7,000 divorces, compared to about 3,600 fifteen years ago.

Falling fertility rates do not help either; Singapore's fertility rate is 1.06 children born per woman (in 2006), which is one of the lowest in the world. This can only spell bad news for the ageing population, one of several serious, worrying social factors.In response, the government is already setting the tone by encouraging couples to go for pre-marriage counselling and asking businesses to be pro family.

Immigration has also become, perhaps, a last-ditch effort to reverse the alarmingly increasing figures – Singapore is short of some 14,000 babies, and her population threatens to shrink even more.

DESPERATE MEASURES

Does this mean marriage, like 80’s fashion, 90’s bubble tea and the early millennium’s boy bands, has gone forever out of style?

The answer is no. According to a TIME magazine article dated October 2006, what America and the rest of the world for that matter is seeing a trend called “The Marriage Delay”. This simply means people are getting married later in life, and testing the proverbial waters by moving in together first.

Financial independence, the search for fulfilment in relationships and freedom of choice have empowered both men and women to choose such a path. Some call it living in sin, others call it exercising their right as mature adults. Whatever the case, it looks set to be a social scenario that is not going away anytime soon.

FINDING BLISS

In increasingly Westernised Singapore where global-oriented 30somethings abound, the incidences of cohabitation should not raise any eyebrows. But that is not to say marriage is no less of an ideal. Divorce rates may be going up, but remarriages are also on the rise. 40something still try to have exciting social calendars, and harbour hopes of being someone’s husband or wife. And while there are naysayers out there who claim that most cohabiting couples wind up breaking up before they can even hire a wedding planner, there are success stories out there.

Mindy Chan, 34, and her Singaporean beau James Lim will be tying the knot next year after living together for three years. Previously whispered about by relatives, the couple insist their decision to live together was a good one because it allowed them to have a taste of married life. “Trust me, we had out share of fights over our different lifestyle habits. And over time, we learnt to accept them, and our relationship grew,” laughs Chan. “Today, we’re as ready as we’ll ever be to get married!”

Whether or not Ng and Wee end up walking down the aisle too remains to be seen. But one thing’s for sure: cohabitation, like marriage, is a decision entered into by two parties, looking to make a commitment to each other in their own terms. It may have gotten a bad rep and be seen as sound the death knell on the world’s oldest and most well-known institution, but like its so-called nemesis, cohabitation shouldn’t be respected any less.

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I used to think I want to be married but now, I don't think it is that important anymore. I've heard and seen so many couples heading for divorces and this makes marriages really meaningless in my opinion. I think that if two persons are mutually, truly and exclusively in love, signing that paper really ain't that critical. Honestly, I think we have been programmed since young that unless you are officially and legitimately married, cohabitation is shameful and that the couple in question are not committed. I think that's crap.

I probably can't escape my own parents' backlash as they may still be as traditional in their views about being legitimately married but again, it's my life we're talking about - why can't I do what makes me (and my significant other) happy? Why must I make myself unhappy doing things to make others happy?

I don't need a marriage to prove I love my man. Neither do I expect him to prove his love by marrying me. Of cos, what I've just said does not mean I resist the idea of being married - I don't. I'm just saying that marriage is not a must (for me). So, I totally agree with:

Cohabitation, like marriage, is a decision entered by two parties, looking to make a commitment to each other in their own terms.